I love you Mah Mah

Tonite has been an emo nite…..

Goshh…it took me one n a half hour to reach home…I felt really sick of the jam…tonite is most probably the jam of year 2008…was feeling really headache n hungry, I was afraid tht I’ll die in my car…then I started to think bout…how if I really die..now..?

During the last 30minutes of my driving…I cried…helplessly.
When I was bathing juz now…I cried….
I tot of my grandma……it was like pictures kept flashing in my mind…all the memories…sweet n sour…
So I think I shall write my beloved grandma a letter.

Mah mah,
It has been exactly 15days that u left me…

Why…why didn’t u wait for me? Why didn’t u wait for a few hours more? I was rushing back to see you…really….
Maybe you were too tired…so u decided to leave…im really sorry…to keep u waiting for so long…I couldn’t stop blaming myself for not accompanying u until the end.im sorry.

Mah mah, can u hear me? Did u receive everybody’s blessings n wishes on ur funeral? Everybody from our town, n even a lot of people from different states came purposely to pay their last respect to u…did u c them? Did u c the photo of urs? Everybody knows that u like to be pretty..so we picked the very best photo for u. dun worry, u look really pretty n decent. Did u c all the flowers that were sent by all the friends? Yes....the garden was full of flowers….flowers that u like. I was talking to u..day n nite while u were resting in peace at home…did u hear me? But sorry for all the crying….i know u wouldn’t want me to cry…but I just couldn’t control myself.

Mah mah, I feel so bad…I kept asking myself whether I have done enough as a grand daughter. Yes I know I did take care of u while u were sick…even spending nites in the hospitals…..we helped u to massage…rub lotion….take u to toilet….but….i also complained….im really sorry…I should have done more n better than what I did.

You never failed to shower me with all ur love, always hoping me to go back hometown during holidays. U never know how bad I felt when they told me that there was a few times that u’ve mistakenly tot tht someone was me when she called u mah mah. remember there was one time, almost 2 years back, when u started to get sick….u insisted aunt kheng to fetch u out to buy diamond pendants for us even though u were feeling very unwell that time….then u surprised us with these presents, u want us to be happy though u were in pain…

We bought u new pyjamas, but u told us tht u wanna wear it after u recover. There was once wang lee hom came to ipoh for the shooting of lust caution. U told me that u would have driven to ipoh to catch a glimpse of him if u r not sick…u also told kakak that u will bring her to shop in ipoh after u recover. I really really feel very upset n pain whenever I heard u saying this…because I know…that…the chances r slim…..

It was the world cup season back in 2006, daddy, mun n I gathered at ur house to watch the match…do u still remember that u did not want to go to bed n insisted to watch the match together? you fell asleep, but whenever there was someone who scored a goal, u would wake up in time to celebrate the special moment with us. How cute. U were really tired that time, but u juz wanna spend more time with us…I know.

Our last conversation was on the election day. U were already….lazy..by that time…nevermind…we know u were tired. We kept telling u stories n updating u the election results. The last words u told me was…It’s great that the opposition has won big!! I never knew that it would be the last sentence tht u r goin to tell me…I never knew tht I wouldn’t have any chance to talk to u again….i never knew…

Mun said u r a wonder woman…

yea…u really are. U were not from a wealthy family, but u have super good taste…to decorate the whole house…super fussy in buying clothes, vases, antiques, plants, jewelleries…oh almost forgot, not buying clothes..u have ur own tailor to make u clothes, n this is ur hobby!hehe…fussy woman. u have really strong powers…to handle the whole family…to take care of ur favorite garden…house…all ur grandchildren…ur family…how tiring. But part of tht was because u have a really good husband, mahmah. He loves and cares for you so much…both of u have tasted the bad n good times together n finally all yeh yeh n ur hardwork has resulted in providing the family a very good life. Both of u has already gone travelling to most parts of the world! I wish I have a chance to do that too…n it’s always fun to listen to ur stories..of how u dislike American food, Italian food….Mahmah, I really think that yeh yeh n ur story is a very proud story of success…I am very proud to have yeh yeh n ur love….

Mah, I know that u were worried bout my safety in kl…u were always blaming daddy for buying me a 2nd hand car…u said tht u will buy me a new car if u were not sick…I know tht u were worry that if anything happens to the car while im driving on the road…but really, pls dun worry….im able to take care of myself now…I promise u, im learning…..n I want u to know that I dun mind driving an old car, it has given me a lot of convenience, I really dun mind, coz I know im very very fortunate compared to many people out there….

Mah mah, I tell u what…im feeling good in these 2 weeks time. U r not here anymore, but I wanna tell u that I have met some really good friends over here, the place im studying in rite now. I dare not to say that we are soul mates, but it’s really great to spend time with them, we share feelings, we have fun, im happy….they even cook for me, help me with school work, borrow me money :)…so u dun have to worry! I really appreciate them, can u plz pray that we will be good frens forever?

Mah mah, u are always the unity figure of the family….without u….everything will be very different…hmm…but I guess maybe all of us can still gather at least once a year during cny? Im really sorry…I dun have the ability to gather our big family together…

Oh yea..i almost forgot to deliver u the good news! We r moving in to stay wif yeh yeh soon…so tht we can accompany him n u all the time…so u dun have to worry bout ur beloved husband! I’ll try to update my knowledge on politics…econs…biz…to reach his standard of communication :P

Mah mah, I think…I have to get use to the life of having u staying in my heart forever…..but…im afraid that the picture of u inside my heart will get more n more blur one day….
n I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for not having a photo of a grown up me n u....

I have to go to bed…I have class tomorrow…u take care okie? Love you mah mah!
Love, mun teng

Mah mah
R.I.P 18th March 2008